Solutions Beyond the Mainstream

As I look around me at all of the divorces happening I wonder, does anyone have a good marriage? Do I have a good marriage? What does a good marriage look like?

What has become very clear to me is that the “happy family” that we see at the soccer games, at the parties, at the restaurants sometimes isn’t so happy at home. When the family comes home and the door closes, the façade ends, and the truth comes out-unhappiness, feeling stuck, feeling overwhelmed with kids, the mortgage, the job that may or may not end, the spouse that you look at and feel, “who are you?”

What happens along the way is we get so caught up in our lives and the family that we lose sight of our spouse. They get pushed aside, kids and all of the responsibilities that go along with them seem to take first position on our lives and eat up all of our time and energy.

So if you are waking up and looking at your spouse and wondering if you want to be married anymore and if you have a good marriage (because you don’t know them anymore), pause and breath for a moment.

Consider these questions:

What is a good marriage?

A person that you grow with, share a few things in common and have common goals. A partner to walk your life path with, one that will stand by you in the good and the bad, one that has your back no matter what.

Is the grass greener on the other side?

The grass is NOT greener. Every person on this planet has issues. Every person has issues that they will bring to the table and when you move in with them/marry them, more and more issue will be exposed. A new spouse may not have the issues of your current spouse, but I guarantee you, he/she will have issues. Over time, the new person will erupt with “things” that will annoy you and irritate you.

How is your communication?

Communication is essential to any relationship but key to a good marriage. If you are not expressing yourself to your spouse you are burying all the negative feelings and I guarantee you they will come out someday, perhaps on your kids or your friends/family or even on your spouse when you decide you hate them and are leaving. Communicating your feelings in the moment is crucial for a solid marriage. Occasional arguing is actually a good thing with your spouse, it says that you communicate and are expressing your feelings. I am not saying to throw punches, scream and yell but to express how you feel at times may cause an argument because he other persons’ buttons get pushed. The key is in the resolving of the issue and that you are resolving together and not burying anything. Buried emotions lead to anger, resentment and even depression/anxiety.

Is your spouse in “first place?”

When we have kids, we tend to love them so much the spouse takes the back seat. Also, our family of origin, our mothers, fathers or siblings may be still first in our lives and again the spouse comes in second. To be solid in your marriage, you must place your spouse first, always. You and your spouse build the foundation for the family. It’s like the basement or foundation for a home, if it’s cracked and not stable it won’t support the weight of the house. How is your foundation?

What are you focusing on?

Are you focusing on your partner’s good qualities or the things that bug you or drive you crazy or even make you angry? To reconnect or build a marriage you must focus on and appreciate the good in your partner. Many people may say, “There is nothing!” There is always something, even the smallest thing is something to latch on to. If you focus on anything good, you will get more of it but if you focus on the bad, you will only get more of that too. It is universal law, law of attraction, what you focus on you get more of.

Have you taken responsibility for your “stuff?”

We all come from dysfunctional families; therefore, we all bring our own issues to the table in every relationship we are in. Many times if things are not working out it’s because of our own “stuff!” Look in the mirror and ask yourself, what you have contributed. Own your stuff and work on it. When we heal our “stuff,” we see our relationships through different eyes.

A good marriage takes work. With concerted effort from both partners, it’s worth it, happiness will prevail, and I speak from experience.